Breaking news about the Iowa Caucus interrupted the first five minutes of The Bachelor, and I wasn’t thrilled. If I’d wanted my blood pressure to rise, I would’ve been watching CNN, not a reality dating show. Give me what I want, ABC! And that’s Emily the Twinless Twin trying a tequila shot for the first time, Ben eating a cockroach, and Olivia the News Anchor continuously getting paler as her spray tan fades. Olivia, your true color is showing.
After the talking head finally disappeared, we were shown Olivia tNA saying “Viva Mexico!!” which made me want to pull my hair out. Or hers. Oddly enough, Ben said “Viva Mexico!!” not 30 seconds later, and I thought it was endearing. Well done, editors. You have successfully made everyone hate Olivia for everything she does.
The girls enter Mexico City by way of SUVs instead of limos, and I can tell they aren’t happy about it. There’s no complimentary champagne for the ride, so none of them know what to do with their hands. They shuffle into their penthouse (finally, a little dignity), where Olivia tNA immediately praises the inclusion of a bidet in the bathroom. Thanks for that visual.
All the blondes hop into one another’s laps on the couch to await the first date card, except Olivia tNA, who sits in the lone Lazy Boy chair in the corner. She tells the camera that “there’s no doubt I’m in love with Ben, because he doesn’t validate anyone else the way he validates me.” I don’t think she’d be saying that if she saw the way he “validated” all over JoJo in the helicopter last week, or the way he “validated” Lauren B. in the hot tub. He’s been doing a lot of, uh… “validation.” Nonetheless, Olivia tNA’s gut tells her that she is going to get the first one-on-one this week.
Olivia’s gut is wrong. It is also going to start growing if she doesn’t lay off the snacks we watch her scarf down in every episode.
The one-on-one date goes to Amanda the Mom.
Date card: “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket. — Ben”
Anyone else immediately think he’s alluding to her very fertile eggs? No?
Olivia tNA puts on a terrifying fake-excited face for Amanda before immediately requesting a private confessional to tell the camera that Amanda has kids and is therefore completely undesirable. You just keep digging that grave of yours, chica.
Fast forward a few hours and it’s now 4:19 a.m. in Mexico City. Ben is dressed for the day, and the girls are sound asleep, snoring very loudly. Or maybe that’s just a producer making snoring noises into a microphone. Ben tells the camera that he’s going to wake up all the girls so he can “see them in their element.” At least Ben gets it. These women are definitely “in their element” when they’re doing one of two things: A) Drinking wine, or B) Sleeping. Remember how “exhausted” they were last week?? Sweet sleepy little things.
Ben enters the room with a flashlight and shines it directly in the eyes of each of the girls, who are sleeping two by two in super fluffy beds. Becca pushes the camera out of her face like a pro. She’s done this before when Farmer Chris showed up in the middle of the night, and wants no part of round 2. JoJo grabs her boobs, which is usually my natural reaction, too, when something surprises me. Twinless Twin barely rolls over, and continues cuddling with her teddy bear. You heard me correctly. Her teddy bear. Fetus. Lauren H is hands DOWN the funniest, as she rips out her retainer and is 100% still drunk from the night before.
Ben loudly asks “Whose weave is this?” as he pries through the items on their bedside tables. No one claims it.
Ben finally makes his way to Amanda the Mom’s bed, who now has 15 minutes to get ready for their date. She doesn’t need it, because she’s already in full makeup. Her lip gloss is even newly applied, which is my worst nightmare in bed. Whenever I fall asleep in lip gloss, which is not very often (for the record), I wake up feeling like someone just squeegeed all the air out of my mouth. Just me?
Amanda is used to her two children waking her up at 4 in the morning, so she is remarkably bubbly on the car ride to Grassy Knoll #3. As she and Ben walk toward a sea of hot air balloons, I’m afraid Amanda’s off-the-shoulder peasant blouse– a trend which seems to be replacing crop tops– will blow away like JoJo’s almost did last week. Luckily, no gusts of wind cause any trouble, and the only worrisome factor is the fire erupting from the bottom of the balloons. Tie down those sleeves, girlfriend!
Amanda and Ben enjoy a romantic hot air balloon ride with the “pilot” (what does one call a hot air balloon conductor?) and two cameramen, all in one 5×5 box. Intimacy at its finest. Ben has clearly been studying the flash cards producers gave him with random facts about Mexico City, and flawlessly spews out all of his historical knowledge to impress Amanda. “This pyramid is as big as the Great Pyramids in Egypt!” Amanda the Mom is not impressed because her child had a quiz on that same information just last week. Once Ben runs out of facts, he kisses Amanda to pass the time. It seems to go well.
After they land, they tow a picnic basket to the middle of the grassy knoll to have a bite to eat. I can look at nothing except Amanda’s American Eagle jeans, the likes of which I have not seen since freshman year of college. Instead of eating, they vaguely talk about how much they’re excited to get to know each other, but never once ask the other person a question about themselves. Interesting strategy.
Amanda tells the camera that she’s afraid to tell Ben about her divorce, because “it wasn’t a good marriage.” I don’t think that will surprise him, dear. No one who is divorced ever looks back and says “Wow, that was a great marriage.”
Back at the penthouse, Jubilee is losing her marbles about the fact that she isn’t getting as much attention as JoJo, Becca, or Lauren B. Jubilee, you’re welcome to guest blog for me anytime, because those are my Top 3, too!
Group date card: “Como se dice the way to a man’s heart? –Ben”
Emily, Twinless Twin
Lauren H the Kindergarten Teacher is the only name not on the card, which means she automatically gets the second one-on-one date. Her reaction is to giddily burrow her head into Leah’s bosom.
Back at the night portion of Ben and Amanda’s date, I’m just starting to get past Amanda’s chipmunk voice. She is given the most consecutive sentences by one person ever to air in Bachelor franchise history, but I’ll admit that the whole spiel was very captivating. She word vomits all about her divorce, her husband cheating, and the embarrassment that accompanies a failed marriage. It was very raw and real, and I respected her honesty. She talked a lot about ignoring red flags, which made me wish she would’ve read the post I wrote about that very subject a few weeks back. I’m here to help, people!
Ben gives Amanda’s shoulders a face-to-face frontal massage as he tells her how much she deserves a great husband and father figure for her kids, then gives her the rose. They kiss a lot. I think she’ll be around for quite some time.
We return from the commercial break to an “artistic” camera shot of a cockroach on a leaf, and I wonder if the cameramen have been breaking into the stash of champagne.
The group date girls clearly consulted each other as they got dressed, and all decided that the uniform of the week would be flowy silk blouses and kimonos. Also worth mentioning is Becca’s half up top knot hairstyle, which was on point.
Emily the Twinless Twin tells the camera that she feels like a new person now that Haley’s gone, and I wonder if it’s because for the first time ever, she has to form complete sentences without help from her other half.
Ben takes the girls into an unsanitary room to take a Spanish class from a man who has clearly never seen The Bachelor, but is going to milk this teaching moment for all it’s worth. The girls learn how to say things like “I love you” and “I’m falling in love with you.” Ben tells the camera that these phrases will help them shop for groceries in Spanish, which is the second half of the date. (??) Olivia tNA says there was “electricitayyyyy” between her and Ben when they were practicing Spanish together in front of the class. I throw some popcorn at the screen.
After class, Ben walks the girls down the street and into a random supermarket. Surprise! The girls will be competing in a cook-off! They’re told to break into teams of 2 to shop for groceries before heading upstairs to a tiny restaurant above the market, where they will cook a dish from a recipe they’re given. Twist: The recipe will be completely in Spanish. Olivia tNA immediately claims Ben as her partner. JoJo and Becca obviously pair up because, duh, they’re BFFs. Lauren B is left standing alone while her default partner, Jubilee, tries to convince Ben to be her partner instead of Olivia’s. He looks at the floor until Olivia claws his arm and forces him to agree that she is his rightful partner. Jubilee sulks away, and I feel like someone should warn Olivia that Jubilee has killed people before.
While the rest of the teams are shopping for their groceries, Olivia and Ben do a tequila shot, then feed each other fried crickets. Olivia looks to be having a mouthgasm as she eats her cricket, which makes sense because she’s obviously such a fan of food in general. Ben looks like he wants to die while he’s eating his cricket, which makes sense because eating bugs is gross.
As the girls like to remind us, Olivia tNA has really bad breath, and they all start giggling when they see Ben dragging Olivia over to the fresh mint section of the grocery store and telling her to eat a leaf. The editing in that scene was impeccable.
While all of this is going on, Lauren H the Kindergarten Teacher and Amanda the Mom are back at the penthouse, drinking red wine from champagne flutes. Thrifty. Lauren H’s date card arrives and says:
“Let’s design a life together. –Ben”
The group date is still going strong, with the girls bumping into one another as they burn things in the kitchen. Ben says, “I’m excited to see how the women use different utensils.” I bet you are, Ben.
Most of the girls pretend to enjoy cooking, but Jubilee takes a different approach to proving she has an attractive personality by simply taking her wine glass into a corner to sulk while Lauren B finishes up their concoction. Not a good look, Jubes. Ben is watching.
Becca and JoJo completely embrace the sexual innuendos that come with the recipe they’re given: Tacos. JoJo tells the camera, “My taco tastes really good. Ben even tried my taco.” I want to throw up, but I’m also laughing because she clearly finds this producer-fed comment as absurd as the rest of us do. JoJo chooses to appease the producers, but says the line with all the sarcasm she can muster. She’s definitely ready to be the next Bachelorette.
Jubilee and Lauren B win the cook-off, and their prize is absolutely nothing.
During the night portion of the group date, Ben kisses everyone, Olivia pisses everyone off, and Lauren B remains the one to beat. Ben takes her (Lauren B) out onto the street to make out in front of various doorways and statues. The other girls wonder why they’ve been gone so long, because Ben only took the rest of them to talk on a nearby couch. Frolicking around town was some serious special treatment.
When Ben returns from his Lauren B make out sesh, his high is immediately squashed by Jubilee’s strong need for constant affirmation, which is not a great quality for someone on a dating show. Ben lets her talk for about five minutes before telling her that he doesn’t see a future with her and sends her home. She’ll probably regret wearing red lipstick with a bubblegum pink dress when she watches this episode.
Jubilee’s transition back into reality is swift, as she is forced to climb into a plain old taxi cab that will transport her to the airport.
Ben is pretty torn up about his “break up” with Jubilee, so JoJo pulls him aside to comfort him with her tongue. It works.
Ben is all smiles as he returns to the group with JoJo. I expect him to give her the rose, but instead, he gives it to Olivia. What the literal funk. Everyone freaks out, myself included.
Next up is the one-on-one with Lauren H the Kindergarten Teacher. She wears a peasant blouse/crop top hybrid, which is a creative way to incorporate all aspects of Bachelor date fashion. Speaking of fashion, Ben tries to convince us that Mexico City is known for its fashion, and we all laugh because he’s wearing a “designer outfit” that involves khaki pants.
Turns out Ben chose Lauren H for this date because she’s the tallest girl in the house, and whoever he took was going to have to model in a fashion show. She is pretty freaked out about modeling, meanwhile Ben takes the runway like he’s been doing it for years. Software Sales Rep or Male Model? We may never know the truth.
The night portion of the date is boring. Ben wants to find out if Lauren H can survive outside the friend zone. She tells him a sad story about breaking up with her boyfriend of four years because he was cheating on her with three other girls, and Ben goes soft (emotionally). The way to this man’s heart is a sob story, no doubt about it. He gives her the rose.
Lauren H: “I’m definitely falling in love with Ben.”
Ben: “I just realized for the first time that Lauren H has boobs.”
Ben and Lauren H finish up the night by making out in the streets of Mexico, and I’m 90% sure Ben is pretending she’s Lauren B.
The rose ceremony cocktail party starts off with Ben nowhere to be seen, and Amanda telling the girls about her kids’ schedules while she’s away. When Amanda explains that her mom and the baby daddy share responsibility, Olivia tNA says “Wow, sounds like an episode of Teen Mom.”
Death stares from all.
Amanda: “I’m sorry, what?”
Olivia repeats herself. I choke on my wine.
Amanda goes full on Mama Chipmunk and tells Olivia that her remarks are offensive, and also by the way I was 22 when I had my first kid.
Emily the Twinless Twin starts crying because Olivia’s insensitive remark reminds her that her twin is back home in day care, as well. She decides to tell Ben about Olivia’s role as Top Villain. Olivia realizes that Emily is blowing her cover, so immediately runs to interrupt her. As she’s climbing the stairs, I can’t help but take note that Olivia may have the flattest butt I have ever seen. Like, ever.
Ben asks Olivia about the vibe among the girls, trying to see if she’ll admit that what Emily was saying has merit, but Olivia just flashes him her 600 teeth and says everything is great.
Amanda, Jen, and Leah all decide to back up Emily by using their one-on-one time to tell Ben about Olivia’s behavior. Usually, the Bachelor possy lets one girl take one for the team when it comes to tattling about the Top Villain, but these girls are an unbreakable squad. Taylor Swift would be proud.
The episode ends with Ben walking up to all of the women sitting on patio furniture, and saying, “Olivia, can I talk to you?”
TO BE CONTINUED… flashes on the screen.
The other girls think he’s going to take away Olivia’s rose. Based on the teasers for next week, I’m going to bet that he doesn’t. Ben clearly has not learned anything from past seasons, and decides to ignore warnings about the Top Villain. Cue waterworks from every single girl, including Lauren B and JoJo– the calmest ones left. Well, besides Becca, who has never shed a tear in her life. The teasers also lead me to believe that somebody Ben really likes decides to leave the show because he won’t “break up” with Olivia. Who will it be?? JoJo? Lauren B? That girl Jen we barely see?
Do you think someone will leave? And will the winner of this season always refer to Ben as “our boyfriend” instead of “my boyfriend”? I have so many questions! Let me know your thoughts.