What’s the weather supposed to be like this weekend?
This was my favorite Facebook status regarding Winter Storm Jonas, written last Thursday by one of my Phi Mu sisters. I “LOL’d” in a literal way. Facebook is nothing but one big weather report, and I observed two things:
1. Everyone owns a cuter winter coat than I do.
2. Snow has been happening forever, yet still completely throws people for a loop.
Side note: I wonder how many people hosted Jonas parties, where they only played songs by the Jonas Brothers. If I had an apartment with more than two rooms, I would have happily organized such an event. Instead, I’m holed up at my parents’ house because adulthood isn’t real.
Just so no one is surprised when winter arrives next year, here are 7 things that happen every time it snows, and definitely happened during Winter Storm Jonas:
1. Apocalyptic behavior
The guy who ghosted you six months ago reemerges with a single vague text message. That friend who never socializes suddenly suggests a “fun” trek to the sports bar. People rush the grocery store because God forbid we die by way of dry cereal. Serious couples and Tinder matches alike “Netflix and chill” like there’s no tomorrow. THIS IS IT. NO REGRETS.
2. New Year’s resolutions go straight out the door
Everyone posts pictures of themselves next to a bottle of wine and a troubling spread of dips, casseroles, and baked goods. First of all, don’t act like you don’t veg out exactly like this at least once a week. Second, pull yourself together.
3. “No Excuses” posts galore
For every post about homemade banana bread, there are two posts about “still fitting in my morning work out.” Because remember, people, a workout doesn’t have any affect on your body whatsoever unless you share it on Facebook. (I don’t know what ever happened to “everything in moderation,” but my Facebook feed is just one big rollercoaster of extremes.)
There’s a sense of unity among snow storm “survivors.” Scheduled snow ball fights behind the nation’s capitol. Half price shots of fireball at the bar. House parties with friends and possibly a few strangers. It’s all strangely patriotic. GBA.
5. The West Coast watches in fear
Sweet souls out west think that everyone on the East Coast is hunkered down, freezing, and starving to death, when in reality, the majority of us are having the time of our lives avoiding work. California, you definitely should be more worried about breaking off the United States and floating away than about the puffy white stuff landing in our yards.
6. People wear their bathing suits in the snow
Maybe they’re trying to prove they didn’t eat their weight in potatoes during the holidays. Maybe they really enjoy shock value. Maybe they’re still in a rebellious stage. I don’t have a good answer for you. But I can promise that they will show you their shivering bodies on social media, and you will feel a bit awkward seeing that much skin in the winter.
7. Someone you know will be in Florida
“What storm?” they caption their picture of the beach. I don’t really feel happy for them.
Nice meeting you, Jonas! Looking forward to when all of these things happen again next year.