Yesterday, I asked my coworker how she prepares her spaghetti squash, and she made the horrific decision to use the phrase “flake it off” in her description. [Any food bloggers reading this need to create a Taylor Swift parody called “Flake it Off” immediately. This is me officially signing over the rights to that idea.] Although my coworker was trying to be helpful with her mini-culinary lesson, her use of the word “flake” brought my appetite to a screeching halt. This got me thinking…what other words make my stomach try to reenact a Gabby Douglas floor routine? See list below. No, “moist” is not included. Call me crazy, but I actually think moist cake sounds delicious.
1. Flaky– Dry skin shedding from one’s body. Like dandruff. Sick. [I couldn’t very well leave off the inspiration for this post.]
2. Crusty– That crumpled shirt on your floor with dried food on it. Or worse, unwashed underw— excuse me, I just vomited.
3. Pasta– It’s such a slimy word. Passssttaaa. I mean, I love it, but just don’t love the word.
4. Slather– Slytherin. Snakes. Scales. Greasy scales.
5. Sauce– Inevitably makes me think “secret sauce,” which is probably a tangy recipe filled with pig’s blood, camel intestines, and ranch dressing.
6. Kernel– Honestly, does a kernel of anything sound appealing to you?
7. Pregnant– Let’s stick as many ugly consonants into one word as we can. I also just imagine feeling bloated for 9 months, and that makes me want to cry.
8. Swollen– I don’t like S’s or W’s or L’s, and this word has all three. Also, the aforementioned bloated thing.
9. Ointment– I have an issue with the sound of “oin.” Couldn’t we just called it “soothing cream” or something?
10. Blanch– Say it outloud. Blanch.
11. Fluffy– Some of you think of baby animals or croissants, but I think of puffy fat. I don’t know why.
12. Spongey– N’s should never be paired with soft G’s. Also, sponges are the dirtiest things ever.
13. Quail– I just think of nasty old rotten eggs. And birds in general kind of gross me out.
14. Mustache– It’s an unpleasant word paired with unpleasant imagery.
15. Loin– Again with the “oin” issue. This time we have to think of a male’s meaty upper thigh area, too. Great.
Try and be creative with your replacements for these words next time we chat. For instance, instead of saying, “Shanny, would you like to join my pregnant sister and me for some pasta slathered in sauce, followed by fluffy spongecake for dessert? And wait until you see my brother’s mustache for Movember. It’s so crusty. Also, could you help me put some ointment on my swollen ankle?”- why don’t you try, “Shanny, would you like to join my sister (her baby bump is so big, btw!) and me for some spagoots and yummy cake? And wait until you see my brother- he hasn’t shaved in almost a month. He looks ridiculous.
Also, could you help me put some soothing cream on my sprained ankle?(<–who would ask that?)” It’s not that hard, people. Help a sister out.