Doppelganger– an apparition or double of a living person. Thanks, Google!
I’ve always been jealous of people who look identical to celebrities. For just one day, I’d like to be upgraded to first class on a plane and be given free clothes at my favorite store (I’ll have to think of a place other than Target) because people mistake me for Adriana Lima. But as luck has it, I look nothing like Adriana Lima. As a matter of fact, I don’t have a steady doppelganger. Every once in a while, someone will vaguely say that I look like someone, but I think they’re just reaching for conversation.
As a whole, life as a non-celeb is great. We all should be happy being who we are, especially since no amount of plastic surgery can turn you into someone else (just ask this fan who had $100k of surgery to look like Justin Bieber…and still looks nothing like him- got lucky, if you ask me). Not to mention, I would have a heart attack if the paparazzi followed me to the beach all the time. I don’t need a camera zoomed in on my backside, thanks. I also really like knowing that I can give my phone number to someone and I won’t have 3 million people calling me the next day. I mean, let’s be honest, sometimes the one person I give it to doesn’t even call me. Anyways, even with the perks of being a commoner, I still like hearing the random comparisons to hotties on TV. These are the three I’ve been told:
Allison Williams. You know, from that show “Girls.” You don’t know? Don’t worry, I didn’t either until a random client yesterday morning swore to the moon and back that we’re identical twins separated at birth. I can see it MAYBE. Or maybe we both just have long brown hair and blue eyes.
Kate Middleton. HECK YEAH! The picture on the left (that’s me, in case you couldn’t tell the difference between us) was taken at my brother’s rehearsal dinner. That night, three different people told me I was a dead ringer for the Duchess of Cambridge. I know it’s not true and I know that my hair just happened to fall in a princess-y way that evening. Oh well.
Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter. I think we can all agree that this is the most accurate of the three.
After the random Allison Williams comparison yesterday morning, I became curious to find out who my friends are told they look like. So I texted them and asked. Turns out, I have some super famous friends! Let me introduce you:
JENNIFER MORRISON aka Mallory Hytes Hagan
Jennifer Morrison, from ABC’s “Once Upon A Time,” and I are known for drinking wine in hotel rooms together. Fine, fine that’s actually Mallory Hagan and me. I wasn’t sure which one to make the celebrity here, considering that Mallory was Miss America 2013 and a celeb in her own right. Anyways, total twinsies, right?
DENISE RICHARDS aka Rosemary Willis
Denise Richards is a model and actress…I really shouldn’t have to explain who she is. She and I love to pray together and eat lots of food in one sitting. Wait, no, sorry, that’s what Rosemary Willis and I do together. Hard to tell the difference.
TIFFANI AMBER THIESSEN aka Lindsay Oliver
Tiffani Thiessen in grown up form, not in Kelly Kapowski form (“Saved by the Bell,” in case you were never a teenager), and I drink gin martinis and always happy cry together. Usually at the same time. Since you obviously don’t believe me, I’ll come clean and admit that I actually do those things with my sister-in-law, Lindsay Oliver.
KEVIN BACON aka Jim Oliver
One time, Kevin Bacon (the actor from Footloose) threw a full, cold Code Red can at my back and it left an imprint of the logo on my skin. He’s also married to Tiffani Amber Theissen. Jk jk that’s my brother, Jim Oliver. He doesn’t throw things at me anymore, don’t worry. Also, I think I threw a shoe at him first, so I deserved it.
KIM KARDASHIAN aka Katie Uze
Kim Kardashian is famous for nothing, so I’m not really sure how to start this introduction. Also, let’s cut to the chase, Katie is about 100x prettier than Kim K. I don’t even want to pretend that Kim K. and I hang out on the reg because I feel like that would actually harm my reputation. Hanging out with Katie, however, makes me really really awesome.
KANDICE PELLETIER aka Kira Kazanstev
Kandice Pelletier was on “The Amazing Race,” designs swimsuits for Miss USA, and was a rockette (her own wax figure at Madame Tussauds included). She and I like to give each other big warm hugs, and she also measured my butt to see how big my swimsuit bottoms should be (not a size small, we’ll leave it at that). I’M TELLING THE TRUTH. This one is fun because I actually know Kandice AND Kira! And they know each other! Kira is the current Miss New York and she and I enjoy brunching when I visit. Kandice was Miss New York 2005, so they roll in that whole pageant sisterhood.
LAUREN CONRAD aka Stephanie Van Petten
When Lauren Conrad was taping “The Hills,” she and I used to get together at the beach all the time and discuss our guy troubles. Or maybe that’s what Stephanie Van Petten and I do every summer. Too hard to tell.
GABRIELLE UNION aka Nicole Gilmore
Gabrielle Union’s best work was in “Bring it On,” which is precisely what I say to her when she offers me twerking lessons. Well, fine, my soon-to-be roommate Nicole Gilmore is actually the twerk master.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL aka Emily Mantovani
Zooey Deschanel cracks me up in her show “New Girl” because I actually know what she’s like to live with, given that we were roommates in college. Except- shocker- it was a different (but oddly similar) blue-eyed goddess who lived with me senior year and introduced me to my favorite food (Veleeta Shells & Cheese)- my Phi Mu big sister, Emily Howard (Mantovani).
AUBREY PLAZA aka Tess Sawyer
Aubrey Plaza (comedian and actress from “Parks and Recreation”) and I have been best friends for 18 years. She always kills it at karaoke and I still love her even though I made my mom pick me up from her house during a sleepover when we were 10 because I decided we weren’t friends anymore. We’re past it. I’m also actually talking about Tess Sawyer, not Aubey Plaza, though they both have really cool unidentifiable exotic looks and great angled hair cuts.
LORDE aka Maggie Lawson
Lorde is a super cool singer whose song “Royals” is welcome to never be played again. No offense to her, because she’s a super genuine person who eats tons of candy but then always has a perfect body. Double take! That would be Maggie Lawson, my 2011 Miss Virginia roommate. Same as the Kim Kardashian thing…she’s the way prettier version of Lorde. Said it.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON aka Claire Buffie aka Acacia Courtney
ScarJo is basically the hottest actress on the planet, plus she lets me stay in her posh NYC apartment when I visit and is probably the most organized/popular person I know. WHAT that’s Claire Buffie?? They are the same. Person.
Oddly enough, ScarJo and I used to hang out before she cut her hair, too! She takes suuuuuper awkward pictures even though she’s normally perfect-looking, and she also is going to win Miss Connecticut this weekend (did I say that outloud)? Obviously, I am actually talking about my 2012 Miss New York roommate, Acacia Courtney.
CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY aka Tom Standish
Chad Michael Murray (all around heart throb from the show “One Tree Hill”) is actually really, really nice in real life. He and my brother are bros (Sig Ep) and we all got rowdy in Richmond a few St. Patrick’s Days ago. Or that might have been Tom Standish, who is CMM’s IDENTICAL TWIN. Sorry ladies, Mr. Standish just put a ring on it. Lucky girl. Maybe you still have a chance with CMM himself?
Well, there you have it, people! I’m the name dropper of the century.